Sobbing and Peace

Today the bubble burst. The peace disintegrated. And I cried -- harder than I ever have before.

Harder than I cried when I was hurt as a child.
Then when I left my whole world and became an MK.
Harder than I cried sitting on that suitcase on my first day at boarding school.
Harder than I cried when Grampa slipped away,
when my little one sobbed over missing his dad,
when my father was diagnosed with cancer.
Harder than I cried when I was diagnosed with cancer.
Harder than I cried on that darkest day when I woke up without breasts...

And I'm not even entirely sure what I was crying about.
Yes, I will miss Grammy. But that's such a mixed sorrow -- full of such joy for her -- that I don't think it could have produced those horrid, dry-heaving, world-broken, gut-twisting, eye throbbing, life shattered, wretched sobs.
It hurts so to see her hurting, but that's a gentler, 'tears pooling in the corners of my eyes' kind of hurt.

I think --
I think, that for a moment, I just got a tiny taste of my Abba's sorrow over what has happened to His perfect creation. And for a moment, I almost understood Why He chose to die for me, and what it cost Him to do so.

The sobs have long since stopped.
The pain and sorrow are gone.
I'm back in that precious bubble of peace, tasting of His love, resting on His promises.

Oh, how He loves us.
Oh, how He hurts when we hurt.
Oh, how He longs for us to choose Him as Grammy did.