Confessions of a NonSmiler

I've been told more than once that I often seem unapproachable. Even mean. And yes, I guess I can understand this. Just to let you know, though, I'm not mean. Just way-too-afraid of rejection. I don't make friends quickly or easily. I push the world away in an unconscious act of self-preservation.
And I've decided to work on this.
So today, I practiced smiling. I'm smiling right now  as I'm typing this. See: :)
So I smiled as I joined a friend for lunch. And I smiled as I slowly savored my hot fudge sundae with cookie dough ice cream. Hey -- I'm pretty good at this. This is actually easy.
I smiled as I did some cleaning, sorted some papers, and flipped through my text book. I smiled as I logged onto facebook and scrolled through my news feed. So far so good.
But then it became a bit more challenging. My smile slipped a bit when I found out the actual cost to repair a leaking strut. And it waivored when the cost of new front brakes was kindly tacked on. The burnt out brake light may have turned it into a wince for just a moment... But I smiled as I signed the work order.
As I searched for a comfy spot to sit, my smile must have slipped a bit because when I met the eye of the older gentleman across the room I realized I wasn't smiling. So I smiled at him as I sank into a seat and pulled out my phone to check in with my on-line class.
Suddenly I hear in a whisper from behind a hand, "Thank you for that pretty smile." Surprised, I looked up into his smiling face. I laughed, smiled again and said, "Anytime."
Later, when he gathered up his bags to leave, he leaned over and said, "Have a nice day, honey." And he walked away a friend. Suddenly the huge check I was about to write seemed so small next to the gift I had been given.
My heart overflowed.
And I smiled.

Temptation

It's not about having to say no to temptation over and over again. 

It's just about keeping your eyes on the cross.

So I’ve been thinking… Yes, you do a lot of that on a road trip. And the places my mind takes me are just as varied as the places my car’s been going lately. This particular thought process focused on temptation.

Why is it that we can be super good at resisting temptation, saying no 9,999 times, but that the one time we say yes the whole house of cards comes tumbling down? No matter how many times I say no, that one yes is going to knock me all the way back down to the bottom rung of the ladder. It’s hopeless. So what’s the point?

Now I know that Christ died for me, and that His shed blood has washed me clean as new-fallen snow, and that my sins – past, present, and future -- are as far from me as the East is from the West.  But I also know that Christ turned to the unstoned woman and told her, “Go now, and sin no more.” I’m supposed to be perfect. I’m supposed to be sin-free. I’m supposed to say no all 10,000 times.

But I can’t.

And then my music station gets staticky as I’m driving along the road. I switch to a new station, and suddenly God’s shouting at me through the voice on the radio. “Sin is still in me! Without Him I can do nothing! I need a Savior on a daily, ongoing basis!”

And I hear, and begin to understand.

I finally accepted my failures. I faced my inabilities. I renewed my commitment as I drove through Baton Rouge.

Abba –

I cave every time.

Always have. Always will.

I’m human. I’m weak.

In my moment of temptation,

I will turn to the cross.

I won’t even try to resist.

I’ll simply cave into Your arms.

And let You resist.

I am insufficient.

You are almighty.

That’s the point – isn’t it? To end up in His arms…

Resting at the Cross

Abba,
can I sleep at the foot of the cross tonight?
I know You're not there.
I just like to remember
what You've done.
And I know I can't stay.
I'm supposed to be out there
in the world
sharing you and showing others
the way here.
But for now
for tonight
can I rest at the foot of Your cross?

His Gifts

Thank You for beauty
of sight,
of sound...
Images and noises that make me want to spin around
in joy,
to close my eyes
and sway,
lost in delight
of creation and its Creator.
You must love us so
to give us such gifts.
Do You smile
as we do
when we open them
and laugh in our delight?
Oh, Abba,
thank You!
Thank You
for Life!

Just another fender bender

Today started off pretty well. We had a mini highschool reunion at Chick-fil-a. The waiter even got us some balloons to celebrate. We chatted and visited for a long while – laughing, remembering, sharing pictures, and getting caught up.

Then I headed out for a day of exploration. I felt a bit homesick – that usually happens around day seven. As I was walking along a path, I found a huge log balanced half in the lake and half on land. I crawled up on it, and sat looking at the lake and listening to my music. There were a lot of dragonflies flitting all over, and even a heron stopped by for a visit.

At another point on my rambles, I explored the old granite quarry. There was a railroad bridge that I had to walk under on the way in, and I was able to watch the train going by on the way back. I even got a phone call from my son. He’d called to find out where the stamps were at home. I began giving him detailed directions to walk him to the spot where I kept them, “Go into the sitting room, go to the cabinet with the broken pane of glass. Now look in the little box with the farm scene on it that Pam gave me. They’re right in –“ then I realized that they were actually in the little cold stone creamery bag in the front seat of my car. I’d grabbed them to use to send postcards to Grammy along the way. I could hear my son mumbling about how expensive stamps are…

The whole day was like that – full of incredible moments where life just felt so good.

But then, on the way back to my friend’s house, I got into a car accident. I was turning left, and I didn’t see him coming. We both tried stopping, and he ended up hitting the back end of my car. No one was hurt, and there was very little damage done. But I’ve got new citation as a souvenir, and a heart full of guilt.

I should have… Oh that list is a mile long right now. I’m very patient with everyone around me. But I have so little tolerance for my own mistakes.

But my Savior died for that, too. He knew each scrape I’d get myself into. And He littered my path with blessings to remind me that He still loves me, that He forgave me – even when…