Should Have Known Better

Dear Adult Who Should Have Known Better, 

I am healthy. I am happy. My students tell me I’m beautiful at least once a week. 
I’ve learned to laugh out loud, to smile, to spin and dance when my heart overflows. I take exotic vacations and amazing staycations; get lost in books and in God’s creation. I am content. 
My life is Good. 

Despite you. 

All these years later, after all the ups and downs between us, I still become scared, lost, and lonely when I think of you. I’ve given that buried knot of pain to God so many times. He’s chiseled at it, numbed it, wrapped it so fully in his love that at times it disappears. 

But it always comes back any time a thought wanders in your direction. 
I haven’t thought of you in years… 

But today you’re on my mind. You’re on my heart. And it hurts. 

You should have known better. 

It makes me think. 
As an adult, a leader, a teacher myself. Do I know better? 
I try so hard to weigh each action and sift each thought, but sometimes one slips out that I wish I hadn’t said. 

Do you ever wish you could undo those days? Because you can’t. 
Days can’t be undone. 
Actions can’t be undone. 
Words can’t be unsaid. 
The past can’t be changed. 

But the future can. In the future, please know better. 
Think first. Pray for patience. Read your Bible. Take a child development class. Listen to what you mother always said. Hear your heart. Set your stubborn pride aside and Know Better. 

We can’t change the past. 
But God can change the consequences. 

Because you were a poor leader, I’ve become a good one. 
Because you taught with pain, I teach with empathy. 
Because you used shame, I use respect. 
Because you didn’t, I know better. 

So, thank you. 
No – not thank you for not knowing better; though I’m learning to forgive you for that because you didn’t know any better. 

But thank you for fading out of my life. 
For not breaking me. For reminding me to be more aware of the little ones around me, and of the impact of my words and deeds. 

And I’m praying. 
I’m praying that you know better today. 
I’m praying that your positive influence on those around you now will last oh-so-much longer than your negative influences in the past. I’m praying that you’ve learned to love your life as much as I do. That you laugh out loud – in joy. That you smile and dance when your heart overflows. That your life is good. That the pain in your own heart, brutally placed there by someone else who should have known better, has faded... 

Like mine seems to have. 

Sincerely, 
A Healed and Hopeful Adult