Should Have Known Better

Dear Adult Who Should Have Known Better, 

I am healthy. I am happy. My students tell me I’m beautiful at least once a week. 
I’ve learned to laugh out loud, to smile, to spin and dance when my heart overflows. I take exotic vacations and amazing staycations; get lost in books and in God’s creation. I am content. 
My life is Good. 

Despite you. 

All these years later, after all the ups and downs between us, I still become scared, lost, and lonely when I think of you. I’ve given that buried knot of pain to God so many times. He’s chiseled at it, numbed it, wrapped it so fully in his love that at times it disappears. 

But it always comes back any time a thought wanders in your direction. 
I haven’t thought of you in years… 

But today you’re on my mind. You’re on my heart. And it hurts. 

You should have known better. 

It makes me think. 
As an adult, a leader, a teacher myself. Do I know better? 
I try so hard to weigh each action and sift each thought, but sometimes one slips out that I wish I hadn’t said. 

Do you ever wish you could undo those days? Because you can’t. 
Days can’t be undone. 
Actions can’t be undone. 
Words can’t be unsaid. 
The past can’t be changed. 

But the future can. In the future, please know better. 
Think first. Pray for patience. Read your Bible. Take a child development class. Listen to what you mother always said. Hear your heart. Set your stubborn pride aside and Know Better. 

We can’t change the past. 
But God can change the consequences. 

Because you were a poor leader, I’ve become a good one. 
Because you taught with pain, I teach with empathy. 
Because you used shame, I use respect. 
Because you didn’t, I know better. 

So, thank you. 
No – not thank you for not knowing better; though I’m learning to forgive you for that because you didn’t know any better. 

But thank you for fading out of my life. 
For not breaking me. For reminding me to be more aware of the little ones around me, and of the impact of my words and deeds. 

And I’m praying. 
I’m praying that you know better today. 
I’m praying that your positive influence on those around you now will last oh-so-much longer than your negative influences in the past. I’m praying that you’ve learned to love your life as much as I do. That you laugh out loud – in joy. That you smile and dance when your heart overflows. That your life is good. That the pain in your own heart, brutally placed there by someone else who should have known better, has faded... 

Like mine seems to have. 

Sincerely, 
A Healed and Hopeful Adult

Those Moments

Thank You, Abba, for those moments when I get it. Those moments when both the aches and the joys of life fall away and I’m left in Your arms tasting just the tiniest taste of Heaven of Reality of Life. Thank You, Abba, for those moments when I remember why I was created why I was gifted why I was prepared and equipped and enabled to walk in this weary world. Thank You, Abba, for those moments when I dance in my mind, in my heart, in my body. When the responsibilities are lifted, when the worries are banished, the wants fade away and You are more real than I have ever been. You are Good. You are Glorious. You are God. And the moment fades… And I remember that I am me. Stuck in the ruts of my little life trudging forward one step at a time. But I remember where I’m going now and there’s a Joy in the journey.

Answering a Pledgedrive

I was driving in to work yesterday, with my local Christian radio station playing. About five minutes from work, it began to get staticky, like it always does. I pressed the button for my second choice and K-LOVE came on. They're in the middle of their fall pledge drive. As the dj's began asking everyone to pray about giving and listen quietly, I sent up my not-very-heart-felt prayer for clarification. I had to sort out the feelings - was I feeling guilted by a skillful dj or convicted by the Holy Spirit. I need a clear sign to part with my money. Then a brief testimony was shared over the airwaves. A woman who was not a Christian, but who is seriously contemplating the idea after listening to this station. "That testimony was from Monica," the dj called out. "Are there any other Monica's out there who are able to give?" Yes. That was sufficiently clear. But I didn't know the number. So the dj's began chanting the number together. Unfortunately, I was still driving, and my phone was in the bottom of my bag in the back of my car. I promised that if I still remembered the number when I got to work, I'd call in. A song came on as I pulled into the parking lot. I fetched out my phone and looked at it, knowing I'd never remember the number. A couple of digits flashed through my head and I typed in the numbers, guessing at a couple. I crossed my fingers as the phone began to ring (I won't tell you which side I was rooting for). "K-LOVE radio" said the voice on the other side. So I offered my pledge. "What's your name?" "Monica" I had to go into work after that, so I never did find out how many Monica's pledged that day. But here's the real point of the story. He's taking my information, I'm tapping my fingers on the steering wheel and watching the clock so I'm not late, and the whole process is taking forever. Then he suddenly asked, "Is there anything we can pray about for you?" I wasn't expecting that. But I needed that. And the words came bubbling out. 'I'm an eight year breast cancer survivor, and at the end of the month I'm having a Basel cel carcinoma removed... This time it's on my face which is what's really freaking me out...' We chatted a while. He has a friend who had breast cancer which came back as skin cancer in the same place. He said that our God is the great healer. I agreed. And I said that even when He doesn't heal, it's all part of a great plan. He agreed. We talked about the good He gives us through the bad. I talked about my book. He wrote the name down and said he was going to pick up a copy. Then it was time to hang up and go to work. 'God bless,' he said. He already has. Over abundantly. Incredibly. In the most beautifully unexpected ways. I'm certainly not saying that you have to go out and find a pledge drive to give to. Just listen. And if He clearly says to do something, do it. Then tell me your story of amazement. God bless!